3. Drinking a bottle of Tobasco sauce and then pointing a giant sun-magnifying glass at your tongue.
1. Women from The View talking politics (again, hotter as in angrier)
I thought I'd post my re-make of the popular Christmas song 'What Child is this?' which I wrote awhile back, during our first Christmas with our newborn Isaac.
Who’s Child is This?!
(to the Christmas tune of 'What Child is this?')
by W. Peter Freund
Who’s child is this, who made a mess
On mommy’s lap while eating
Much drool secretes, though he’s so sweet
While parents are kept from sleeping
This, this is Isaac Freund
Who shepherds farts while nur-r-sing
Haste, haste to wake up dad
The babe, our son is leaking!
Why cries he such to keep mom awake?!
And cause the cats to go fleeing
Good Christian, fear: for stinker’s here
The silent poops are proceeding
So bring him lactose, milk, in breast
Come, daddy, please, and take him
In living room as he softly swings
As Danica sleeps without him.
Situation #1: Daddy gives Isaac too much food. As most parents know, there is a toddler law, written on the heart, that goes something like this "when the stomach fills up, don't let good food go to waste. Us food as projectile."
Multiple choice Quiz #1: There are pieces of chocolate cake on the kitchen floor, and on the wall. How should you clean it up?
a. Rrisky method: don't clean it up, leave it for mommy to clean up later.
b. Prudent method: clean it up with a wet, slightly soapy washclash.
c. BORING method: use a dustpan and broom.
d. Daddy's way (DW): use a power tool, preferably a vacuum cleaner or shop vac. It's loud, it's fun, it scares the cats, it's a power tool.
ANSWER: D
Explanation: From answer D we get the following principle called Peter's Razor: all things being equal use a vacuum cleaner whenever possible unless you are vacuuming up chocolate cake on a kitchen floor. It tends to shoot the cake out the back of the vacuum into an evenly dispersed chocolate pudding pile (trust me).
Situation #2: Something smells. Bad. And it isn't Isaac's breath.
Multiple choice quiz #2: How do check a toddler/baby for a dirty diaper?
a. Risky method: Don't. If you wait long enough, the poop will dry, the smell will diminish, and your ignorance will be your bliss.
b. Prudent method: feel the back of the diaper. Test for size and lumps.
c. Daddy's way (DW): Put face, carefully, to diaper. Inhale deeply. If your eyes water or the gag reflect kicks in, you're on to something.
d. Mommy's way: Put finger down diaper. Examine finger. (mommy's note: finger going down the diaper is accidental. The finger is used to pull the diaper away so you can look down inside.)
Answer: D
Explanation: OK. My wife wins this round. I have to admit that this method is far from boring. I don't know for the life of me why she does it, but it takes guts. It involves an element of risk, it takes courage, and is hilarious to watch when she finds something. She might as well take a urine sample while she's at it. It's even more fun to watch when there is no place to clean off the poopy finger!
Situation #3: Your toddler has something on his/her face. It looks like food, but it could be a booger.
Multiple choice quiz #3: Your toddler has UFO (unidentified face object). What should you do?
a. Risky method: let it dry and cake. Similar to the diaper approach.
b. Prudent method: a wet washcloth, slightly soapy.
c. Daddy's way: a power tool, preferably a vacuum (cf. Peter's Razor). Slightly less fun is to take a handfull of water and rub it all over his face and hair.
d. Mommy's way: spit on your finger and rub vigorously.
Answer: C
Explanation: Answer D is just plain gross. For some reason, all kids hate it. We tell our kids not to pick their nose and eat it, yet it's OK for us to spit on our hands and rub it all over their faces. Plus, you have to be careful with this method. Remember never to use the same finger twice. It could be a booger after all. And, when you run out of fingers, your eatin' what your cleaning. Answer C is just plain fun.
As you can see, Daddy's way has a slight edge, although I should say that a good approach might be a combination of both approaches. You might even try asking your kids next time he/she is in one of these situations. "So, Isaac. Should we clean up your spilled juice with a paper towel (yawn for effect), or... a wet/dry vac (say with much excitement!)?"
Enjoy your day,
WPF
All my study of philosophy leads me to so many deep, serious matters that I forget my long-term intent on some Dave-Barry style reflections.
2 years down, and appx. 16 more to go... unless he stays home through college... Oh wait, there's another one on the way, so I guess it's at least 18 years to go. Anyway, 2 years of parenting and some observations:
1. When your child misbehaves, confuse him. Try it. Next time he throws a tantrum, you throw a tantrum at the same time, or go in the middle of the room, stand on your head, and sing the National Anthem. You will bewilder your child long enough to make a run for it. When he can no longer see you, he can't scream at you.
2. My son hates to blow his nose this week. He has a horrible cold and I can hear a pint or so of ooze bubbling from inside his half-developed sinuses (ENT doctor says sinuses don't develop completely until older). If he'd just blow it, his sore throat would start to clear up. But I realized something! You can use boogers to your advantage. Instead of playing with his toys while I'm on the phone or reading an email, he too often runs to me for entertainment. The solution? Say, "come here and let's blow your nose'. He goes running back to his toys. Success!
3. The magic word "later". Once your child grasps the concept of "later" it can be very useful. Here's how it works:
Isaac: Isaac wan go outside now.
Daddy: No, it's too cold to go outside.
Isaac: Isaac go outside, now!
Daddy: Isaac, it's raining and cold today. We can't go outside.
Isaac: No, daddy, no daddy. Outside!! (stomps up and down)
Daddy: Maybe later.
Isaac: (pause) Gooo outside laaaater. Isaac go outside later.
Daddy: Yes, maybe we'll go outside later.
See how you subtly add on the word "maybe"? Here's another example:
Daddy: Do you mind if I buy this new game. It's on sale for $39.95. It will work awesome on my Geforce SLI system.
Mommy: We don't have money in our budget for a game. We've got to save money for moving expenses.
Daddy: But... I told you it's awesome. Come on.
Mommy: I said we don't have it in our budget right now.
Daddy: But, I wan it, I want it, pleeeease?!
Mommy: Maybe later, Peter. Maybe you can buy it later.
Daddy: (pause) Buy game laaater. Peter buy game laaater.
Mommy: Yes, maybe we'll buy it later.
4. Go slap mommy's butt. Now this one is a keeper. It's not something you want to overuse, but it come in very handy at times for more than one reason:
Recreational use --> "Hey Isaac. Where's mommy? Go slap her butt. Go. Run, slap her butt."
Professional use (use with care) --> Mommy was supposed to pick up soy milk for me at the store and forgot again. She is kind of sensitive to criticism right now. Hey, Isaac, go slap mommy's butt for me.
5. Good father son bonding activity: throwing dirty diapers at the cat. Self-explanatory.
Enjoy your day.
WPF
